AARP Eye Center
Imagine two 56-year-old women who are the caregivers for their mothers with moderate dementia. After moving into their mothers’ homes, they do essentially the same caregiving tasks, including managing medications, making appointments and running the household. They have been caregivers for the same number of years and have the same amount of support from siblings and other family members. But while one is stressed and sad, grieving her mother’s slow decline and wondering when it will all be over, the other is overwhelmed, consumed with anger and guilt, and finding each day practically unbearable.
Why are they reacting so differently to similar caregiving circumstances? Perhaps one daughter is willing to use available supports, such as home health aides and adult day programs, and the other isn’t. Perhaps one was born with greater patience and resilience. The most likely explanation, though, lies in their backgrounds. The stressed daughter has a history of ultimately overcoming life’s various challenges. She is confident she can cope. The overwhelmed daughter has a traumatic history that has made her vulnerable to feeling completely helpless when challenged. She feels ashamed she will always struggle to cope.
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Past trauma most commonly complicates caregiving when caregivers previously experienced verbal, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of those they are caring for now. Those caregivers typically feel trapped doing what is expected of them while being used once again by the people who hurt them earlier in their lives.
But being traumatized by anyone at any point in life can leave adult children with feelings of helplessness, a lack of emotional safety, and the sense they are being mistreated, which are heightened by the demands, necessary self-sacrifices and, often, thanklessness of caregiving. Mental health professionals would say that becoming a caregiver triggers their past emotions and fears.
How can family caregivers with trauma histories separate past and present experiences and make caregiving more bearable — even therapeutic? Here are some ideas:
Remember your past…
Sometimes caregivers with trauma histories try to power through caregiving by pushing away their memories of having been mistreated by others. They then harshly reprimand themselves when old feelings of helplessness and resentment arise during caregiving anyway. Instead, it would be better for them to understand how past trauma has sensitized them to feeling taken advantage of. Armed with that understanding, they can better monitor their feelings and judge whether they are overreacting to the stressors of caregiving.
